It's just shit.
| Global Personality Test Results |
| Stability (33%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion (30%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. |
[music - 'Imagine' - A Perfect Circle]
Heartbreaking is never hard to do
I bumped into rebound boy #4, dubbed 'Hottie Scotty' by those who saw him on the 13th. It seems a rather apt day for it too.
I cringed as the words "Why dont you msg me back or answer my calls? We should meet up" passed across his perfectly carved lips.
"Oh, really," I say looking past his shoulder, "I've really gotta go" and proceed to run away.
You'd think "I'm sorry, you're annoying me. Fuck off." was a rather blunt way of explaining my vast absence.
You'd think the fact that all my friends have lovely boyfriends would somehow offer encourage me to again have a long and meaningful relationship again with someone just like dear Scott, or Luke, or one of the other sad boys i was horrible to. I mean, it's been 3 months. You'd think i'd have stopped being pissed off by one stupid person.
Point is, I'm not, and it looks like its going to take many more poor stupid boys hearts getting smushed before I again bother to give a shit and be close to someone again...
...but we all know i'm not that stupid. Welcome to Jenny's Bleeding Hearts Club. And we're lookng for a 5th member.
[music = 'the wretched' - NIN]
Back where I started
It's easy to forget who and where we are when life distracts us.
I last posted a good 4 months ago.
4 months is a long time.
Lots of shit happens in 4 months or so I've found.
Even more shit has happened in 11 months.
More shit than that happened in the last 12.
Almost this time exactly last year we were all headed off for skoolies.
We'd just finished a grueling few months of school and were all tired but excited at what lay ahead, for it was to be a year of separation and growth from all we knew.
The break gave us assured us with an optimism we'd never felt before.
It was freedom.
I explored this new liberation.
I let people into our lives, cut people out of it like a jigsaw.
Small fragments went missing so we filled the spaces with whatever debris we could.
Eventually the puzzle became so distorted I forgot what where and what pieces were there originally.
It became just a blur...
It's been a year since i've had a holiday.
I've loved and lost.
I've found out how bad people change.
I've found out how bad people wont change.
The working weeks are averaging at about 45 hrs.
I'm 18.
I'm tired.
The seedy veil that finally took itself off me a year ago has again settled back upon me. The same claustrophobia and ebbing worry is back.
One year in the real world snatched all the innocence from me.
How am I supposed to survive the next 70?
[music: coming home - alex lloyd]
7 Days…
Yes, I do realise I’ve been M.I.A. for quite literal months. But do credit me with this post. It took a lot of effort to be here tonight.
I’m moving up in the world, in more ways than one. Although I work all the time (leaving minimal time for everything I consider important), I don’t have anything to complain about, except maybe not seeing people enough. Everyone around me keeps telling me that someone has changed, or they’ve changed, or they’ve changed their minds, or someone else has etc etc. I don’t even notice it anymore. They said that last year would be the big transition year. They were wrong, stupid William Carey ‘tards. This year is the hard one.
I know everyone says that it’s all changed. I know everyone who knows me will say that I’ve changed. Lauren even said not long ago “Is this the same Jenny who in yr 8 believed boys had cooties?!”
I haven’t changed in a sense. I’m still the same friend who’s still there. I’m still the same git who will make that same smart arse comments though the movie. I’ll still make you laugh so hard you nearly wet yourself. I’m still the same gallery companion. I’m still the same person, whether you believe so or not, though I’m stronger, more independent, and more world wise. I’ve stopped thinking I’m the crappest thing on the face of the planet anymore. I’m valued at my work, valued by my friends who I miss so much sometimes it hurts, and valued by Lewis who loves me so much it’s embarrassing.
I’m 18 in a few short days.
I’m just like the rest of you now.
I’ve grown up.
You know what? I fucking hate people who have the time to trivialise their lives. I fucking hate people who try to take their fucking neurosis and try to make it into something I should be worried about. Do you people really think I have the fucking time to sit down and go “Oh fuck, blah blah has a lame arse fucking complex. I’ll take this precious few minutes of leisure time that I am blessed with after my 12 hour day to actually give a shit.” I’m sorry, but I don’t. I just don’t have the time to sit around and worry that people have a problem with me. Why? Because I don’t have the time to go make any fucking problems with them in the first place. So if you so feel the need to fill your spare time with problems involving me, then FUCK OFF because I don’t have the fucking time to reciprocate them. I have a store to run. That’s more important than whatever trivialities you feel like throwing at me. In fact, I hope it makes you feel great fucktards.
SECONDLY, every time someone DOES make a problem, BECAUSE I have no time to worry about it, when I finally do have the time to sit down and rest, I fucking explode from pent tension. I have the ability to remain calm. I can act like it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Well, I’m sorry, but you’re a fucking moron to think these things don’t fucking hurt.
Do you think it doesn’t hurt me when you are supposed to be my friend but then go behind my back and tell my boyfriend you have feelings for him? Do you think it doesn’t hurt me when you know I worry about your eating and then you tell me how far your ribs stick out because you haven’t eaten in 3 days? Do you think it doesn’t hurt me when several of my friends don’t talk to me because they have a fuck arse case of neurosis?
Fuck oath it hurts.
6 months of pent imparted bullshit will make you fucking angry and upset.
And I’m over it now. At least let me have this vent and don’t try and make more shit from this. Because I swear to you now I cant take anymore of anyone’s bullshit without killing myself. I’ve fucking had enough.
[music = ‘the patient’ – tool]
It sucks not to be Mary Donaldson.
Question: Why is it that no Crown Prince of Denmark comes and takes me away from all my qualms?
Answer: Because the Crown Prince of Denmark is an ass.
I’ve been very lonely this past week, namely due to the lack of my spoon, lack of Liney, lack of Bec and influx of stressful banking at work, so I did the mature thing and cried. But my usual Chris Baker email cheered me up tremendously as did the talk on Saturday night with Lauren
I think it was due to the usual pointing out of ‘Heath Road’ on Camden Valley way that compelled Lauren to drive past our turnoff, or because we were shit bored, but for one reason or another we ended up at Heath McNally’s place. It was then I realised I stoped giving a shit about him approximately 2 days earlier. The fig leaf I had extended had completely shrivelled up and died. The bullshit “we’ll talk soon ok” is just that – bullshit, because I’m not going to bother, and Heath is notorious for not bothering (it’s the absence of Heath bother that places us in the predicament in the first place). So Heath, if you are reading this, I am making no effort, because I quit. It’s your problem now. Do something about it before it dies completely.
But thankyou to Lauren for being the only person to understand, and thankyou to Lewis for promising to take me out and breathe down my neck on Friday night to make me feel better.
I just wish you conveniently happened to be the crown prince of Denmark.